One Writer's Musings

I stopped wearing shorts very often in public several years ago. Maybe ten years ago.

I am not ashamed of my legs, exactly. But i am a very pale-skinned person. I have done my time on swimteam and lifeguarding outdoors. Skin cancer runs in my family. I see no reason to actively pursue a tan.

I am also very tall.

This means that when i do wear shorts, there is an awful lot of white leg on display.

And while i am relatively comfortable with the color of my skin--because i know it will keep me healthier and younger looking longer, etc, and well, it is the color that i happen to be--other people have trouble with my skin color.

But today was hot; so i decided (as i do maybe once or twice a summer) to go out in public in my shorts.

Did the clerk at the grocery store comment on the color of my skin? Oh, yes, he did.

Maybe i am old enough that i can get stubborn about this now. Or just invest in goth makeup and more black than i already wear... But that latter option sounds hot and slimy.

I was surprised to open a box of Advance Readers at work yesterday and find an ARC for Lindsey Leavitt's (lindsey_leavitt) Princess for Hire. The release date on the book is not until next March, so i had a bit of a time warp moment. (Especially since a coworker had just been complaining about there being catalogs with Christmas books in them--something we don't want to be thinking about in July.) But i was also thrilled! I love all of my writer friends, and i am proud of all of you, but i have to confess that i am particularly proud of Lindsey.

I remember the first piece of hers that i ever read. It was on the SCBWI's discussion board. It was about a girl who wanted to be a cowboy and a cow that wanted to be... oh, dear, here my memory is fuzzy--i think the cow wanted to be in a parade. Or maybe it wanted something even grander. But the two team up, get most of what they wanted from each other, and ride off into the sunset together. I laughed. It was brilliant. I could totally see it as an illustrated picture book, the images were that clear. So, i emailed her. We've been friends since.

I did not see a whole manuscript for Princess for Hire, but i remember the idea in concept. I remember thinking, if not saying, after reading the first sketch paragraphs, that this was a book that would sell. And it did.

You might think that believing in Lindsey's perpetual brilliance would set me up to be disappointed at some point. But it never has. The lady has a way with words--her characters are so lovably funny, her descriptions so spot on humorous. I stayed up very late last night, reading Princess for Hire, thinking "just one more chapter and then i'll go to bed". I finally had to force myself to go to bed, but the first thing i did when i got up this morning was pick up the book. I loved it. But i suppose that is not a surprise to me; i knew i would.

What i love most about Princess for Hire:
1. Lindsey's trademark humor--Desi is adorably self-focused and so very fourteen.
2. How beautifully unglamorous/mundane/not-at-all-what-you-dream-of the princesses' lives are.
3. How Desi's self-confidence grows.
4. How the book celebrates standing up for who you are and expecting respect from others for who you are.

In short, i can't wait 'til March when i get to start encouraging kids (and adults) to read it.

It has been great ARC week for me...

I managed to get my hands on Lisa Madigan's (lkmadigan) ARC for Flash Burnout a couple days ago. I was two chapters in, in the middle of working on the counter, before i knew it. I had to set it aside because it is not the sort of book you can simply skim while keeping an eye on customers.

Flash Burnout gets high marks from me in all categories. Voice? Check. Plot that matters? Check. Writing style? Flawless. I would say that this book could be described as Laurie Halse Anderson meets John Green, with a whole new set of humor and imagery that is all its own.

Blake Hewson is head over heels for his first girlfriend, blundering his way through those sticky situations where young people do not know how to articulate what they need or expect from each other. He also has a girl (space) friend who asks him to keep a family secret for her... With a girlfriend who wants his affection and spare time and a girl (space) friend who needs his help, how does he negotiate these boundaries? This book is live with character, humor, and gorgeous tidbits of photographic and musical knowledge, all of which lead Blake boy to find... his heart (in all its complicated, convoluted beauty.)

Don't miss this one.

This last week i read two books by Laini Taylor (since i managed to get ARCs from both the Scholastic and the Penguin reps within days of each other.) Blackbringer was one of my favorite fantasy books that i read last year, and so i was thrilled to meet Laini at Rosanne Parry's debut at my bookstore and discover that she's a Portland writer. (I have been using this fact to sell Blackbringer, in addition to my simple flat-out enthusiasm for the book.) Silksinger, the second book in the Fairies of Dreamdark sequence, is fabulous. Not only is a great story, it is beautifully written. Every description is crafted to fit the world. The pacing is perfect. And the humor... there is nothing as great as an insult tossed off by Magpie Windwitch. And as much as i love the Dreamdark world, i was not sorry to wade into the three short stories in Lips Touch: Three Times. Again, the language stays true to character and world, while shifting through three very different (and totally creative) stories about choices that rest on the wings of a kiss. More than simply beautiful, i could imagine teaching these three stories, unpacking themes and marveling over the carefully crafted descriptions with a group of college students. Don't miss any of these books.

Also, this last week, i read Mandy Hubbard's Prada and Prejudice. I have been following Mandy's writing career for so long, i was really pleased to discover multiple copies of her book on the shelves at my store when it released this week. I am not usually a light summer romance reader (although have to admit to an extreme fondness for Georgia Nicholson), and i wasn't sure this was going to be my thing. But... Mandy totally pulls off that summer romance candy while putting in some great feminist, stand-up for yourself, don't sell your soul for love (or riches) themes. The plot moves in ways that are not predictable, and i really enjoyed the ways i was surprised. I am totally going to hand this to the high school girls who come in looking for summer reading. This is not a cliched romance, this has meat. Thanks, Mandy. :)

So, i thought i had this all under control. Get to know the waiter, have actual conversations with him, be pleased that he has a girlfriend and is therefore less frightening in his beauty, have brief talks about the books i am working on because he's excited that i write books, etc...

And then today:
I had not been in for a few weeks, because i had been super busy. The waiter is super excited to see me, bounces up and asks how i am doing, what i've been working on, how my weeks have been, etc. I tell him about weeks full of family and friends and work. He asks what i am working on today. I tell him i am revising the first book so i can send out queries and feel like a 'real' writer again. It should not be too hard to fix. He's thrilled. And sympathetic to the fact that the werewolf novel is giving me headaches. "Some things just need to stew for a while," he says. I agree.

There are not many customers, and he keeps coming back to lean over the back of my booth. The third time he stops, he gets a bit embarrassed, "Sorry, i am just really curious about what you are doing."

"I can give you these first two chapters after i pull the notes off of them," I offer, gesturing to the papers on the table.

"Really?" He is very excited.

"Yeah, if you want." I am feeling embarrassed now. Which makes me put my elbow in my tea! It goes everywhere.

*sigh*

At least we got to talk (again) about how clumsy we both are (though i have only seen him trip over a chair once, and i have, you know, dropped my phone into the tahini and walked into a lamp.) And he liked my first two chapters. Though he may have just been being polite.

As we are working together last night...

Him: "I saw Up last night and it was great! It was such a good story. I used all the emotions."

Me: (laughing) "All the emotions?"

Him: (very seriously) "Yeah, all the emotions." (starting to tick them off on his fingers) "There was sad; there was happy; there was anger; there was suspense..."

Me: "Suspense is an emotion?"

Him: "Well, yeah. Er, i mean, suspense creates emotion."

Me: "And what emotion would that be?"

Him: (looking puzzled now) "Suspended? Suspenseful?"

Me: "Anxiety, perhaps?"

Him: "Yes! Exactly. I was very anxious at one point." (sighs) "It was such a good movie."


As a result of this review, i look forward to seeing Up some time in the near future. And i hope to definitely use my suspense emotion... :)

In the margin of an email in which i wax long-winded about how confusing men can be and how i really don't want to be dating any time soon, Gmail suggests that i might be interested in a link: How to Be Irresistible to Men.

Um. No, thanks.

Is anyone else in Portland planning to attend Melissa Marr's signing at Powell's this Thursday?

I am half way through Michael Kimmel's book Guyland, a sociological study and critique of the culture of American young men and the society that creates this strange combination of apathy and animosity. And things that have been really bothering me in the last few years are starting to become clear...

I have gained more compassion for men than i had previously. There are plenty of things to be unhappy about as a woman in our culture. We are almost equal in name, but any woman you know will be able to point out the small things that happen daily that let us know we still have a long way to go before we are truly valued equally. I care very deeply about the men in my life, i want to find ways to respect men as a group, but i am still very angry about the negative effect that male culture (specifically male culture in a parochial environment) has had on my life.

But, as i was thinking as i walked home from the bus stop today, i would far rather be the woman that i am than a man in this society. As a woman who has refused to buy into using sex as power, i am free to define myself as i choose. I may be very irritated or hurt by the men in my life who cannot seem to see me as anything other than a sexual object, but my sex life has no bearing on my self-worth. As a woman, i can label myself as 'academic', 'spiritual', 'logical', 'creative' and find pleasure in those adjectives. I can be both 'gentle' and 'strong'. I never, ever have to ask myself, "Am i a real woman?" A woman is many things, and women allow women to be many things. (The only gender pressure i can possibly think of is the societal expectation that all women want to be mothers... but that is still something that can be side-stepped fairly neatly. It is more and more acceptable for a woman to find her fulfillment by spending her energy on herself, her partner, and her career.) My gender roles sprang on me suddenly as i finished college and got married. They were a surprise. And i was free to rebel--which i did. It may not win me attention from wealthy, powerful men who are seeking trophy wives... but why the hell would i want that attention? My place as a woman in society in not always pleasant, and i have to fight tooth and claw for respect (or walk away from those who will never respect me), but i still have every right to define myself as i wish. And my fellow women allow me this freedom--because they understand what it is like on the edge of equality. We all want to be seen for who we are, not what we are.

Men, unfortunately, spend their lives in training. According to Kimmel (and from personal observation) definitions for 'a man' begin to be handed to boys at a very young age. Real men are strong, stoic, seek power, are unafraid of pain, must fight when challenged, do not need directions, do not need their mothers, and, above all, do not cry. They are trained from an early age that the only 'manly' emotion is anger. Honor above all else. And heaven forbid that you should seem at all feminine... 'shy', 'sensitive', 'gentle', etc. All real men look the same, act the same, and have the same attitudes about women (they are 'other', good for sexual gratification but not conversation, too emotional, and have too high of expectations.)

Young men in our society have it particularly rough. Real men, after all, know exactly what they want to do for a career, have lucrative jobs, beautiful wives, and the ability to care for their families comfortably. The current economy means that very few people leaving college get anything close to a well-paying, secure job. For us young women--well, we are disappointed and unhappy about it, but we know what it means to have our hopes and dreams altered on a daily basis. We know the world is not fair. But young men... They are supposed to be performing amazing feats of financial and/or physical daring. They need to be recognized as men. They are shocked by their sudden lack of power at a stage where they had been told they would truly be powerful and manly. And it is a severe blow to their identity. No wonder they are angry and hostile. No wonder they hide in groups that give them a sense of power by setting up social contests and playing video games. The real world is not letting them be real men, so they must find that power somewhere. As a person, i understand their disappointment with the world. But as a woman, i am able to cope with it in ways that many men are not equipped to do.

As a woman, i have many friends who i can confide in. I am allowed to be emotional and rational. I can analyze my situation in life and find value in what i decide to find value in (my honesty, my compassion, my curiosity...) A young man does not have the same freedom with his friends. He must appear to be homogenous. A man in his manly world. He must have it all under control. And he may very well not have words to define his disappointment. He might be able to admit to some weakness in an intimate conversation with a woman, but he is still going to have to hold onto his control and place in the power structure of his male friend group in order to feel like a 'man'. This is where women get to define themselves first as people, and only secondarily as women. Men must be men first and foremost.

This is not to say that i do not have plenty of thoughtful, strong, intelligent, creative, emotional male friends. But it does mean that even my most self-sufficient of male friends feel the pressure to be 'a man'. And the ones who have most successfully rebelled against traditional definitions are still hamstrung on occasion by groups of male friends. It takes the type of social power that 'a man' is expected to have in order to be respected as a man outside of these bounds. And i know that even my most soft-hearted male friends cannot cry in public.

Cool breeze that feels like new trees and water. Smells like pastries and cigarette smoke. I feel happy to be awake and waiting for the bus.

Ah, Portland.

On my way to work this morning, i passed an apartment complex with a low-hanging balcony. A little boy of about six was standing on the balcony.

"Hi!" he shouted and waved at me.

"Hello," I say.

He sort of blushes and does that pleased look little boys get when they've gotten a woman's attention. I give him a friendly smile.

"That's my shoe!" he shouts when i am almost past.

I turn around and look. Sure enough, there's a blue sneaker laying on the ground under a tree.

"Do you want it back?"

Now sheepish blushing. "Yes, please."

So i gave him back his shoe. And walked the rest of the way to work chuckling to myself.

I have frequently complained that my "Customer Service" personality gets me into trouble with people who don't understand that my friendliness is, in large part, due to the role i fill at work. (Not that i am not a friendly person, but i do not approach random strangers with a smile in my off time.) This is a personality that most often gets me male attention that i was not seeking. But i never realized how different my work personality is from my normal self until i had the weird opportunity to switch between "Teacher" personality and "Customer Service" personality after 'teaching' a book club at work this last week. Neither of the personalities is exactly me, of course, and they are very different from each other.

When i am teaching, i talk a little louder than i usually do. I stand in a way that calls attention to my authority. I moderate interactions between students, inviting some to speak when they are being overlooked by other classmates; i reign in others who are talking too much. I instruct people in proper social skills (especially since i began teaching on the high school level.)

When i am providing customer service, my voice is totally different. Sweeter, lighter... not at all full of authority. I pay attention to the subtle cues that tell me a person needs help. I am hyper-vigilant and polite. And i would never dream of instructing a person to stop talking and give me their credit card because they are being impolite by holding up the line...

But, oh, i nearly did when switching between personalities!

It kind of hurts my head to switch personalities so abruptly.

Just saw a flyer...

"Conscious Roommate Wanted"

Er... Okay. I am sure you can find that; no problem.

Yesterday i moved out of my little apartment and into a house. The house is amazingly close to work and has SO MUCH more room than the apartment. I am pleased to be here.

But i also think that my fingers may fall off due to cold. The previous tenants did not pay the gas bill, so they need to turn that on some time today.

I think i will go run errands where there is heat and sunshine. Maybe sunshine. For a few minutes. It is Portland after all and we've had sunshine mixed with hail for the last two days.

I was talking to someone tonight who is part way through the divorce process.

He said (somewhat summarized), "People who have never been divorced don't understand. Divorce is not like breaking up--which is certainly painful and fraught with emotion. Getting divorced is like losing your religion. You had this way of looking at the world, a way of being with someone that you thought you would have for your whole life. Divorce is not just about the heartbreak, it is about changing the way you interact with the world and the way you interpret your place in it."

So true.

So, on Saturday, March 28, i will be here. My bookstore is sending me. :)

I love it when books i love sell...

Annie Bloom's has a staff favorites table that helps us highlight great books. Many of our regular customers go straight to the table when looking for the next great book. A few weeks ago i finally got up the courage to ask our buyer to put Patricia Briggs' Moon Called on the table, since i was selling quite a few on the heels of Twilight. (But their appeal is much broader than that... but i digress.)

On Friday, we had two blank spots on the staff favorites table. Our buyer, who usually has final say on what goes on the table, was out sick. I didn't want there to be blank spots on the table. So, in one of the spots i decided to put a YA book, see if i could stretch our customers tastes a little further. I ended up putting out our two copies of Sara Zarr's (sarazarr) Story of a Girl.

When i came in this morning, both copies were gone. I wondered if a coworker had seen the YA title and decided to move it... Or if, worse, our book-buyer was upset with me for deciding to put it there without permission. But, nope! Both copies of Story of a Girl sold in one day.

I am so pleased. :)

Am i a sick person that this made me laugh for the last two minutes?

xkcd ducks

Last week, Ben and i spent four hours decorating a display with hand-designed and cut paper flowers for "Spring Has Sprung!".

Today we built a castle for our new highlighting Sci-Fi display window, put cool toys and books in the window, and hung a planet and frog in a spaceship. So... much... fun! (I don't know if they should let us loose in the store too frequently, though. We sometimes get over-excited and ambitious in our designs.)

First, a confession... If a book is published by Bloomsbury USA, there is a high possibility i will like it. This was no exception.

Lucinda Chapdelaine was once upon a time the cherished daughter of one of the wealthiest lords in the kingdom, but the tragic death of her parents has caused her to grow up in the hands of a vitriolic step-aunt who runs a jeweler's shop. The Amaranth Witch requests a new setting for a beautiful gem stone, unlike anything Lucinda has seen before. Who is the witch? Why is her stone so important to her? And what do a thief and a prince have in common--other than a clear attraction to the spirited Lucinda?

Good, clear writing. A new and different fairy tale. I started reading this yesterday afternoon and had to stay up until 1:30 am to finish it.